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一次又一次的冷眼，摇头，不屑的语气等等。。
这一天就这样的过了。。
我羡慕别人的潇洒，淡定，听了就算。。
可我总是做不到，放在心上久久。。
我不怨任何人，只怪自己比人蠢。。做什么都做不好。。
我相信每个人都会有自己擅长的。。但我今年24了，没有一点比人强。。
所以我说啊，特别喜欢聪明的男生是有原因的。。
一次一次的否定，信心原本只有10%也变成负值了。。
或许我真的不适合，当初何必那么执著，浪费了那么多的时间。
时光倒留，我宁可留在国内，读个简单点的东西。。只要以后能养活自己就行了。。
考试就在下星期，不知道是不是要毕业了，根本没有心读。。
明知道这几天要打工，没时间了，还狂做其它的。。
我是怎么了？
这几天好像回到17岁的。。
总想着要马上结婚。。
可是一个巴掌又怎么拍得响呢？呵呵

dilemma

it has been a while since I last update.
i had finally put a fullstop on pep, no more placement.
i can finally go back to my part time job. i need money so bad!
to be honest, im really happy to work in royal melborne hos.
perphaps i heard too many bad rumours and horror stories about it.
but from what ive experienced they are not true at all.
everyone in rmh was nice especially my 3sw pharmacist, kate.

Im supposed to hang out this weekend before uni starts but i didnt.
i spent my 2 days at home. sleeping, doing assignment and some thinkings.
the same question still floating on my head. to stay or not to stay.
spent some time for not doing anything, disconnect myself from everything including internet.
flash back how far am i now from where im from,
re- evaluating what i want, who i wanna be, how am i gonna make it,
life should be as colourful as the above balloons in the picture at this age.
spending 6 years in melborne definitely changed some of my personalities, way of thinking.
also, making me much stronger/ matured/ motivated than the little gal whom i used to be.
im not sure i can be like this if i was in malaysia.
so i came out with a conclusion, i would stay for my intern year 
and hopfelly i wont change my mind after the return from home in the end of sep.
there are a lot reasons for me to stay and leave.
but somehow, knowing how much efforts i have been putting in throughout the past 6 years.
it hasnt been easy for me. u'll know it if u c my face lol
im not a hardworking, smart person.
i need something to drive me. just like i would study during exams etc.
i hate studying. but i know i have no choice, i have to study so i study.
if there is no mark for it, i dont bother about it much .. just a litte maybe..
so i realized if i head back to sg, i might end up being the original me.
i would lost my way. 
sg might still be alright as it is quite competitive in hospitals but i dont want to work so hard.
dilemma !
anyway, i would and have decided to stay for next year. i have to!

110812

WHY ?

i love breakfast!

I just realized waking up in the early morning for a nice breakie/ brunch feels sooooo good!
I feel like doing this every week so if anyones interested in having any nice breakie/bruch must let me know.
I am a big eater currently.
i eat a lot. Im terrified by myself. I can feel the difference in me.
why am I eating so much ! and the most important thing is i have a big stomach, sadly.
i can feel and see the stomach growing bigger and bigger.fml

uni starts next week and placement starts 2nd week and i dunnoe why we havent get the pep letter.
i need to know which hospital i will go for some reason.
i just hope i wont have to go to geelong and the best one for me would be royal melbourne hospital cuz i can save the transport fee.
arghhh my saving is dropping !! i realli have to control myself. or else i cant get my bag in end of sep ><

"与人相处难 到底是谁的问题呢
我觉得可能还是我自己吧 期待太多 于是总在初识就努力的释放自己的热情 可往往到最后自己精疲力尽也没落个好
果然问题还是在我这里 “人与人啊 要保持一段优雅的距离” 距离，懂嘛？"

again,exactly reflected what i felt.

Emo

It has been a while since I last updated.
After reading a frend's blog, i somehow feel the same with her especially when she talks about friendship, work and socialise. I copied her well written sentence and modified them into my situation now.

#
每个月都会有那么几天感觉低落 就像每个月都会来大姨妈一样准 
最近，我感觉很挫败于学术 这个学期我才考一门却拿了个 D 
我很挫败于交际 看到大家自如活络的游走于人群中谈笑风声 
我很挫败于友谊 我真诚低姿态的对待每个熟悉和陌生人 却还是一直分不清什么是逢场作戏和真性情 
我很挫败于工作我莫名其妙被说了一顿 我不气 只是觉得有些委屈 毕竟工作得来不易 我珍惜我努力我付出 却连个解释的机会/勇气也没有 我很挫败 #
I am in a dilemma now. I dont know which pathway i should take anymore.
Im not that determined to stay at here anymore.
I have lost my motivation.
I somehow wish that someone can give me pressure on my decision.
At least im not alone. I hate making decision.

Skin is still deterioating. i feel embarrassed to go out with my naked face or even with make up on.
what can i do ?